Diary: A Record of a Year

[minna]

August 2, 1915

It’s over. It’s really, truly over. What the media has been referring to as the Promised Day, a day when heroes arose and stopped evil forces.

I hate it. I despise yesterday. Wish it never happened.

I’m biased, though. I lost a husband, a loyal husband of over thirty years, and my precious, lovely Selim. I still have him, in infant form. He won’t be the same ever again though. He’s a different son.

My new start. Yet still my lovely Selim. I’m not sure what to do with him. He’s so small. Delicate. I’ve never seen an infant as small as him. But he’s not human, so it makes sense. Can he die? So fragile…

August 3, 1915

Sitting in the waiting room of the hospital, writing. I brought Selim here today, said that I had given birth to him when I found out my husband’s death, very traumatic, and they believed me.

I don’t know what they do to help premature babies. Hope he’s alright. And that they don’t find out he’s a homunculus. Don’t want to think about it.

Surprised they accepted my lie. Never been a good liar, ever. Think they chalked it up to trauma. Very reasonable. I’m scarred, changed, different. I know I won’t be the same again. I lost the two most important parts of me.

Now I just have one shard left, and maybe one that can heal a hole.

August 4, 1915

Selim is completely fine. Thank god. He might always be small for his age, maybe, but that’s the worse. I can take him home in a week. They’ll have me come in weekly to check up on him, though.

I’m fine with that. Better lots of check-ups, lots of time spent at the doctor’s and the hospital, than no Selim. I might break at that. Patter down into pieces, one by one, and scream as my world shatters. No more Selim, no more King, no more Minna. That’s how it works.

I think that the doctor signed me up for therapy. Not sure if he can do that, not sure if he really did, but I have my suspicions. Maybe I need it, maybe I don’t. I’ll have to lie a lot, though.

NOTE: Talk to military involved in Promised Day A.S.A.P. Find out cover story I have to maintain.

August 5, 1915

I’m not sure where to go. The hospital let me stay with them another night, very nice of them, but I can’t do it again. Go home? Alone, to the place where I spent many happy moments with my family? I don’t think I can. Too fresh, too intense, too alone. I might break down, and I can’t do that. Not when I have a child to think of.

Someone else’s home, then? Yes, that’s it. Someone who knows the secret? Who? I can’t stay at one of the males’ homes, too unprofessional. Riza Hawkeye? Maria Ross? No, no, don’t know those people. Ah, perhaps Conrad will let me stay? It is just him and Adelaide, after all.

Yes, I will stay with my older brother and sister-in-law. Hopefully they will have me.

August 6, 1915

I’m staying with them. Just till I can bring Selim home. Why did I doubt? I have good family. Always had. Always will.

Didn’t tell them the truth about Selim. Told them that he died along with King, that I had been pregnant with a second child and hadn’t told people yet, and then the same story I told the doctors. They swallowed it. After all, why would I be lying to them? No other plausible reason they could think of, too. No other, no other…

Conrad drove me back to the hospital today. We all saw Selim. Seems so much smaller now, even from earlier when I was holding him in my hands. He’s grown, though, the doctors say. Exponentially, he’s a fighter, won’t give up, and it’s a miracle how well he’s getting, maybe I can take him home earlier.

Looks like he’s inherited both his father’s and young Edward’s fighting spirit.

[/font]

August 7, 1915

Today I realized I hadn’t thought about where they would bury King. What had been his state? Did he even have a body to bury?

I called the military, and they told me that they were already getting the funeral together. I did not get to help? Not even to plan my own husband’s funeral? I had Conrad drive me to the military and I set them straight. Most like myself I’ve felt in awhile.

Couldn’t see King’s body, probably because they thought I was too faint of heart, but helped in planning. Design for the coffin, his favorite colors, who could speak… It was nice to be a part of it, and part of me died a little inside.

Never been more grateful for my brother. Cried into his shoulder when I got home.[/font]

August 8, 1915

Funeral is tomorrow. Saw Selim, said hi to my darling boy, went back to Conrad’s house, stayed in room rest of day. Adelaide made tea for me, I could barely drink it.

A week since I lost him.[/font][/blockquote]

[minna]

August 9, 1915

It was a beautiful funeral. There were so many people there, that didn’t know him, only knew the hero of the Fuhrer. I spoke, managed to get through it without crying, and other people that knew him, military officials who I didn’t know, spoke as well, talking about how good he was.

They didn’t know him. They don’t know him. My King, my precious King. I wanted to see him in his coffin, open the lid and see his face one more time, but I wasn’t allowed. And I don’t want to tarnish the last picture I had of him.

They buried him, and I watched, dirt covering him. Disappearing, disappearing, gone. And my husband was done. No more. Still didn’t cry.

And then came time for the condolences. Lines of people, people I didn’t know, telling me how sorry they were, he was a great man, things like that. Do they think I don’t know? I just wanted them to leave, so I could have a private moment talking to King. That’s all I wanted.

Then a boy approached me. Xingese, I didn’t recognize him, but he spoke. Told me that my husband had died with a smile on his face. I thanked him, and then finally broke down into tears.

I was so close to making it through. King never liked it when I cried.

August 10, 1915

Feel bad about not visiting Selim yesterday, but couldn’t handle it. Would’ve cried more. Bringing him home tomorrow, though. Still haven’t gone home to my house, don’t think I can handle it. Can pull myself together for Selim, though. My only anchor…

Conrad and Fritz brought Anna’s old cradle to my house for Selim to use. They know their way around, so didn’t have to go with home. So thankful, didn’t want them to see me break down. Probably will when I go inside house. Thank goodness for older brothers.

Was at hospital all day today, watching over Selim. Can I handle a baby? Closest to it was taking care of nieces and nephews and some grands, but never had one of my own to watch 24/7. Worried, but have people to turn to. No King to experience parenthood with. Just me and Selim and my big empty house.

August 11, 1915

Got Selim from hospital today. So small, so fragile, thought I was going to break him. Bigger than before, but I’m used to him being a full-grown boy, cheerful and happy and deceiving me so it’s a weird experience. Can’t wait for him to grow to be himself, but will cherish baby years. If I can handle them.

Had Fritz drop me off, didn’t want him coming in. Knew I would probably break down, and I didn’t want him to see. Always been the strong, happy, unflappable one in the family, don’t want that to change. Have cried enough.

Unfortunately was right, and soon as I got in the house, door shut behind me, broke down and cried. Made Selim cry too, so I stopped. Fed him some nutrient-laden milk hospital gave me, and put him to sleep. Has been sleeping a lot, doctors say it’s okay, he needs to, more than even normal babies. Hope they’re right…

Need to go grocery shopping soon, barely any food in house. Plenty of melon, lost my appetite when I saw it. His favorite food… Couldn’t look at the Black Bread either, he loved it. His sandwich bread, and I always thought it wasn’t good. Who’s going to eat it now?

Couldn’t go into our room, and will sleep in Selim’s old bed, where Selim is sleeping now in his cradle. Hopefully won’t get woken up by him, need some good sleep.

August 12, 1915

Did get woken up, several times. Was okay, wasn’t sleeping well anyway. Not nightmares, not dreams, just couldn’t even fall asleep. Still feels weird to not have his arms around me, to fall asleep in a big bed all alone. Will have to get used to it…

Selim eats a lot. Went through about a quarter of the milk for him, kind of panicked and called hospital to find out where I can buy it. Going tomorrow, Conrad will watch him. Not sure how to explain mark on forehead, doctors didn’t ask, might just not explain it. I don’t know why it’s there, so can’t explain, anyway. Maybe I’ll use make-up on him once he gets old enough.

The image of that made me laugh a little, though. My little Selim in make-up? Weird thought, but first laugh I’ve gotten. Need a bit of laughter, sometimes. King could always make me laugh, now I have to find other ways to bring a little joy. Can do it.

Selim is running me ragged. Understand why new parents always seem so tired and worn, especially because just one of me, and there’s normally two. Kind of like being so busy with him, distracts me and takes my mind off of things. He’s still so little, and I thought he said “Mama” earlier, but mind is playing tricks on me. He’s far too little to be able to talk, even if he isn’t a hundred percent human. Even if not human, still my Selim. Doesn’t matter.

August 13, 1915

Got call from Military today. Was the temporary Fuhrer Grumman. Saw him at the funeral, but didn’t speak to him, so was confused at first. They want me to give up Selim! The nerve of him! Says he’s homunculus, he’s a danger, and all this blah blah blah stuff that I don’t care about! As if he’s going to take my son!

I got angry with him. Very angry, and told him in no uncertain terms was I going to give him up. He seemed surprised and decided to arrange a meeting, with me and Selim. Don’t know who he’s going to have there, suspect it to be a trap. Going to be in three days, and though I support the military, seems fishy… Going to tell brothers where I am and who I’m meeting with, lying about why though, so they can investigate if something happens. Don’t want them to be dragged into anything, but they don’t know about Selim being a homunculus, and Grumman seems good, so don’t think anything will happen. Hope not. Praying tonight.

Happened before I went out shopping, so buying food was a nice vent. Had to stay far away from the fruit stand and bakery, knew they would ask me if I wanted my usual, so ended up getting a lot of vegetables and visiting a different baker. Not as good as one I normally go, but at least they didn’t ask me if I wanted Black Bread. Had to go to a special health food store to get Selim’s nutrient milk, bought a lot. Hope it’s enough, warned Conrad he eats a lot. Least it’s powdered, so no worries about spoiling.

He did eat less today, so it might’ve just been an exceptional case. Conrad didn’t ask about mark on forehead, not sure if he didn’t notice or didn’t want to disturb my state of mind by asking or just didn’t care, so worried for nothing. Might happen eventually, but hope not.

Sleeping slightly better now, but still in Selim’s room. Walk too slow now to get to Selim quickly when he cries, so maybe if I move back into our room, might move his cradle there. Might help me sleep, too. Still haven’t gone back into room, grateful for the fact that I hadn’t done laundry and was getting my newly clean clothes from there. Really don’t want to go back in. Not yet.

August 14, 1915

Days seem to be going by so slow. Literally been counting down the days since Promised Day. Thought occurred to me earlier, though. What day will I celebrate Selim’s birthday? Not his from before, that’s in March. Not August 1, because that’s Promised Day. August 2, maybe? July 31? Don’t know, will require more thought.

Have been considering calling up Elise to see if she might be willing to babysit for Selim. Unsure if I should, because of… how Selim was before, but shouldn’t be too much of a risk while Selim is still young. Conrad still seems quite willing, so might just stick with him, especially because he’s so little. Too small to trust in anyone else’s hands.

Been growing a lot. Not size of average newborn yet, Adelaide says, and I trust a former midwife’s expertise. Wonder if he’ll ever be the size of a normal kid, but I don’t think it matters. I was never extremely tall.

Selim’s bed doesn’t smell like Selim anymore, now. Before, smelled like him, like candies and oranges and dirt, doesn’t smell like anything now. Sad.

Have made up mind to go back into room tomorrow. Have meeting in two days, need to work up courage, so I’ll go inside. Not ‘til tomorrow, though.

August 15, 1915

Went in our room today. Surprised self by not breaking down at first. Stayed away from the bed, though, and just went to get some clothes, but found some that King had dropped on the floor. Still smelled like him. Ended up crying on the floor, smelling his old shirt. Miss him.

Glad no one was there to witness my break down, and Selim was asleep. Think I need to cry, every so often, just to get it out. Catharsis, was that the word? Maybe I’ll get Melon, later…

Going to take Selim to the park tomorrow, after the meeting. Hopefully will be able to. Already told brothers about where I’ll be, back-up if anything goes wrong. Really worried about this, don’t want to lose Selim. It’d be too much to lose.

Two weeks since I lost him, now. Fourteen days. Seems like so much more.

[minna]

August 16, 1915

I get to keep him! I get to keep Selim! They said I could!

Okay, okay, so I should write this down properly. I bundled up Selim to take him to the meeting, and we went. Lots of military there, a lot of them saluted me, gave me condolences, and quite a few I recognized. Quite nostalgic, walking through there.

When I went into the office… King was supposed to be sitting there. His desk, his chair, his spot. Surprised I didn’t break down crying, but combination of nerves, Selim, and desperation kept me not. Lots of people, higher-ups that I had seen and didn’t really know, some I recognized. Not going to recount here, don’t care enough to.

Told me couldn’t keep him, cited dangers, non-human, lots of other things like that. They didn’t know not to get between a mother and her son, no. Got really angry, told them off, refused to give up Selim unless it was “over my dead body”. Swear I saw some considering it.

In the end, Fuhrer Grumman said I could keep him. But I would be watched. He would be watched. Didn’t give me details, not sure I want to know them. Who wants to know how closely they’re monitored? Not exactly fun.

Tried to leave as dignified as I could, saw way too many dirty looks. Have a feeling I’m going to be opposed in whatever I do by some people. Don’t seem like the nice type, many of them, but there are always exceptions. Hopefully, the exceptions will be the ones watching me and Selim.

Wonder if those soldiers or whoever they have watch me will know about Selim being a homunculus. Not many know, right? Just higher ups? Interesting what they might think…

Brought Selim to park afterwards. Different one than where I went with Selim and King. Probably couldn’t handle it. Don’t want to risk it. He liked it, I think. Hard to tell with him so young, not used to being around babies. Hopefully I’ll get better at reading him or he’ll get better at showing emotions.

Called Conrad when I got home, to let him know it all went well. No need to worry.

Almost decided to try and sleep in our room tonight, but nerves stretched tight and Selim would be in a different room, so no. Maybe tomorrow.

August 17, 1915

Relatively uneventful day, thank goodness. Not much happened, not much to say. Conrad came to help move Selim’s crib into our room, so Adelaide and I had to help him. Fritz was only in town last time because of funeral, after all. Can’t rely on him to be there every time.

Broke out the melon today when they were there, and we ate most of it. Managed to hold in tears till they were gone, then cried myself out. Don’t know if I’ll be able to eat melon again for awhile. Maybe have to work myself up to it.

Selim snuggled with me, today. Was holding him, reading the paper, and then he snuggled. So cute, and gives me hope. Not the homunculus before, right? He seems like a normal child… Very nice moment, glad it happened.

Am staying in our room tonight. Worried about sleeping in there, don’t know how much sleep I’ll get, but I’ll try. Need to get past it all.

August 18, 1915

Was right, didn’t sleep too well last night. Not surprised, but hopefully will get used to it. Selim slept well. Not sure why, maybe felt the presence of King? Weird thought, but unsure how homunculi work, could be something like that. Hope it’s something like that, presence of King would reassure me. Wish I could go to his grave, been so busy with Selim… Might get Adelaide to watch him for an hour later this week, she’d be happy to.

Ended up reading one of the child-rearing books that she had left over from yesterday. Didn’t notice them till this morning, she’s good at hiding them, sly fox. Said I was supposed to talk to Selim, haven’t been doing that. More because I don’t have the spirit to talk to him about how cute he is, coo to him, the like, than anything else.

So took him around the house today, showed him everything and explained it all. Felt very odd doing so, but did it anyway, and enjoyed myself. Smart little guy, swear he understands me. Hope he doesn’t, hope he doesn’t remember so that he won’t get taken away, yet still want him to remember me and the like. Very conflicted. Kind of confused.

Anna called, said she and Rick will be coming over tomorrow. They want to see Selim, and probably offer comfort. Quite a distance to come, all the way from South Amestris, will be nice to see my niece and nephew-in-law again. They will be staying at Conrad’s, of course, makes sense that they would be staying with parents rather than their aunt. Secretly wished they would stay, could’ve prepared guest bedroom, house is so empty and quiet, but didn’t say anything.

Cleaned house when Selim had one of his naps. Looks as spick and span as I could get it, feel proud. Probably clean more tomorrow before they come, don’t want them coming here to a dirty house. Didn’t touch our room or Selim’s room, though. Left them alone.

August 19, 1915

Had check-up for Selim today, before Anna and Rick came over. Doctor’s said he was fine, all healthy, doing great. Glad to hear there were no complications I couldn’t see, was kind of worried. Weight off my chest.

Didn’t have time to clean before they got there, but it was apparently clean enough, they didn’t say anything. Left Rachel at their parent’s house, was very glad for that. Knew she would ask me questions about Selim and King, didn’t feel like answering them. Anna and Rick had already been filled in by Adelaide, so they kept quiet, thank goodness.

Good news, though! Anna’s pregnant! Another baby! Thought they would never have another, what with little Rachel already eight, makes me glad that Selim will end up having someone his own age to play with when they come over. Never over often, of course, but still will feel better about it.

Made me a bit sad, too. Never going to know what Anna feels, to have a child growing inside of you, but at least I’ll know what it’s like to be a parent from the very beginning.

They liked Selim, thought about calling him ‘Junior’ at first, but I didn’t like it, no. So Selim it remained.

It was nice having them over, being able to talk to my niece and nephew again and pretend like nothing was ever wrong, but was glad when they left. Kind of exhausting.

Maybe I’ll sleep better tonight.

August 20, 1915

Did sleep better. Not as well as I have before, but better. Probably just because I was so tired, just slept better. Selim must’ve been, too, didn’t get woken up by him at all.

Called Elise to watch Selim, she was surprised when I explained it to her, but ended up coming over, just for an hour. Sweet girl, glad she didn’t ask too much.

Went and bought some light pink tulips to bring to his grave. Might seem like an odd grave flower, but they were the first flowers he ever gave me. Arrayed them nicely across it, and just talked to him. For the entire time, just told him what had been going on, crying too, all that. Felt good, though. Like a weight had been taking off my shoulders, like he was sort of with me. Considered getting flowers to plant in, but decided it was a bit too late. Come… spring.

Odd to think of that far away. Just living in days and spurts now, not planning ahead. Don’t think I can.

Paid Elise, and ended up reading Selim some old books of mine I had dug out from the basement. We both enjoyed it.

Good day today. Hopefully same tomorrow.

August 21, 1915

Not a good day. Not bad, but… not good.

Had rest of melon, today, couldn’t let it go to waste. Barely stopped self from crying afterwards, only through Selim and will could stop. Can’t cry over something as little as melon, or how will I handle myself? Need to pick myself up and move on, need to stop myself from dragging in the dirt in my sadness.

Seen wives and husbands lose all sense of purpose when their spouses were gone, letting themselves be dragged to the grave not long after. There’s a reason why, once you become ‘elderly’, the widows and widowers usually follow shortly after. I have Selim, though, so can’t.

Even if I didn’t have him, wouldn’t die. Might give up hope, but not die. King would be so disappointed in me.

Spent most of today just lost in memories, wandering about the house with Selim in my arms. Ended up cleaning his room when I put him to bed. Not really cleaning, more like packing up all of his old clothes into boxes. Left them in his room, though, going to get help to take them down. Don’t think I can do it alone.

Need to move on from this fragileness I’ve kept my house in. Can’t just sit around and be sad, need to get up and do something. Almost wish I had a job, just to keep me even busier. Selim keeps me busy, but I still have time to think.

Don’t want that.

August 22, 1915

Conrad was too busy today to come over, not sure if Anna, Rick and Rachel are still there, so we’ll have to move them another day. Oh, well.

Took Selim out to the park again, very restful, nice to see all the children about. Didn’t see any soldiers or anything, though, not sure if they’ve started watching me yet. If they have, are they hidden? Dressed in normal clothes? Tried to look out for anyone ‘soldier-like’, but harder criteria to fit someone to. Perhaps I’ll spot them another time.

Not much today. Decided that tomorrow I should start cooking again, even if it is only for one, instead of just eating whatever. Don’t know what I’ll make, might have to go shopping, but I need to do something. No moping. None.

...

Three Weeks. Three. Weeks.

Twenty-One Days.

[minna]

August 23, 1915

Went through with promise to self and made simple pasta. Didn’t want to make something big, just me, but it was good. Refreshing to cook, once more, and to eat something fresh. Will do it again tomorrow.

Realized that I couldn’t remember where I got this journal from, just dug it up from the bottom of my desk when I needed to flesh out thoughts. Flipped through it, from King. 53rd birthday. Sad I didn’t get to use it while he was here.

Ended up going on a bit of a rampage through my bottomless desk, clearing things out. Happened upon the scarf I had been making King, for Christmas. Slow at knitting, so started way early. Surprisingly, didn’t cry. Think I’ve run out of tears.

Going to work on it, finish it, and put it on his grave, come winter. Need to find the right color yarn, though, don’t know where it is…

Tomorrow, seeing if Connor can help me move Selim’s boxes to the basement. Didn’t call today, figured best not to bother him too much. Been here for me a lot already, don’t need to bug him more.

Will enjoy the company if he can, though.

August 24, 1915

Conrad couldn’t help, busy with something. Didn’t tell me what, don’t know what to think of it. Trivial? Don’t want to burden me? Not sure, but won’t question. He’s horrible at keeping a secret. Said he’ll come over and help me tomorrow, though, so will have the boxes moved to the basement and probably said secret out of him. Unless Adelaide interferes.

Didn’t cook today, but went out with Selim and bought stuff for zucchini casserole. Connor loves it, thought it fitting to make for tomorrow. Will be nice dinner, then. Had to pick up milk for Selim while I was out, too. Eating and growing so quickly.

Cooed at me today, and tried to make other noises. Cutest thing I’ve ever heard! Adorable when other babies, but when it’s my son… Just makes it better. Talked to him for a lot of the day, but got some reading done. Forgot I had library books, a few days overdue. Bet they’ll be understanding, but will have to return them day after next. Can’t get absentminded, not now.

Finding it easier to work in cleaning and laundry around Selim. Not much else I have to do, now, so that’s easy. I’m only one making mess at the moment, so even easier.

…Kind of makes me sad. King was always kind of a slob.

August 25, 1915

Connor helped today. Managed to get all the boxes downstairs, I was able to help when Selim was sleeping. He’s taken quite the shine to his uncle, and didn’t want to go to sleep, but I made him. Quite touching, really.

Was sad to see all of Selim’s clothes in the basement. Will be coming out in a few years, of course, when he’s grown up enough.

…Don’t really want to think about that.

Connor was glad for the meal, and no Adelaide there to protect him, so I managed to wheedle out a few answers from him. Something related to my birthday. My birthday? Not for almost another month, surprised he’s thinking so early. Dropped subject, though, don’t want to ruin the surprise.

Sad to see him go, liked having him over. Miss hanging out with my family, but with Selim… Hard to really do anything, though love him. Wouldn’t trade him for the world.

August 26, 1915

Went to the library today, returned books. Sympathetic, like I thought they would be, but paid my fine anyway. Not like I can’t afford it, have plenty. Didn’t check out any books, though, don’t need anything else to distract me and can’t guarantee that I’ll remember.

Didn’t have to cook today, just ate leftovers. Have a feeling I’ll be doing that a lot. Cook too much. Enough for three people, not one. So have plenty.

Showed Selim some of his toys, now. Had kept the old ones from him, worried he wouldn’t be able to handle them and would choke or something, so just gave him soft ones. Georg’s old teddy bear, Anna’s old doll… Seems I’m the only one who likes to hold onto things for so long.

Wanda called, apologized for the fact she and Georg haven’t visited me. Tried to tell her it was fine, but can never get a word in edgewise with that young woman. She went on about how I should have a belated baby shower, and all that. Tried to tell her no, but wouldn’t listen. Apparently, she’ll take care of it all, but I need to give people a few weeks warning so they can get proper presents and make arrangements to come.

In despair. She never listens.

Don’t really want one, anyway. Selim will be there, so many people. Baby showers are supposed to be done already, past and over with. Too old for one, anyway. Not going to be fun, promise it.[/fpnt]

August 27, 1915

Fairly boring day, today. Wasn’t sure what I would do, had nothing planned, so ended up finishing up going through my desk. Room’s a bit of a mess, now, will clean it later. Found the yarn I needed, so worked on King’s scarf quite a bit today. Didn’t get much done, way too slow, but it was nice to do. Enjoyed self.

Cleared out all leftovers, so will be able to cook tomorrow. Not sure what I will, probably should’ve planned it today, but… was lethargic. Nice, lazy day. Need one every so often, feel like I’m always on tenterhooks, now.

Listened to the radio, too, found something funny, and turned and made a comment to King. Wasn’t there, of course, and cried a bit. Guess tears aren’t gone.

Maybe go out tomorrow. Need to not let self get shut up in the house forever.

August 28, 1915

Did go out, waited in long line to get ice cream, but was worth it. Enjoyable to just stroll along with Selim, eating it. A few kids asked to see him, wanting to see the baby, and I obliged. It was very cute, so adorable. Made me smile.

Thought I saw one of my guards. Looked stern, didn’t belong in the park. Wanted to go up and talk to him, but refrained. Didn’t want to embarrass him if he wasn’t, or draw attention if he was. Maybe if I see him there another time, will do. Could be interesting.

Made stew for dinner tonight, remembered to cut down on portions, though I still made enough for two. Was a bit sad, can’t wait until Selim can have real food. Should look up at what age he can, need to know that.

Was going to clean room today, but Selim fell asleep on my lap, and couldn’t bring myself to put him in his crib. So hummed and held him and enjoyed myself.

Will clean up and go through all of my desk stuff tomorrow. Good to have a plan.

August 29, 1915

Plan didn’t work out so much.

First, Georg called, wanting to talk to me. Favorite Aunt, and all the nonsense. I’m his only aunt! Obliged him, though, he’s always nice to talk to. Chatted about practically nothing for quite a bit, till Selim started fussing and I had to put him back to bed. Was still on track at that point, but it didn’t last for long.

Then, Roch stopped by. Haven’t seen her in quite a long time, and was happy to. She was very upset over hearing about King and Selim, but it didn’t stop her from revealing her good news: she met someone! Was very glad for her, though still a bit sad it didn’t work out with her and Fritz, but at least she won’t be alone like he seems determined to be. They’ve recently started going steady, and I was quite glad to hear that. Lucky for her.

She wanted to see Selim, though, so stuck around until he woke up, which was quite a bit. Drank more tea than I have in awhile. Fussed over him, thought he was adorable, and all that, and by the time she left, it was too late to do any cleaning.

Hopefully tomorrow.

[minna]

August 30, 1915

Day started off like planned, with cleaning. Was organizing into piles, most of stuff is old papers to be thrown away, when phone rang. Was our lawyer, Mr. Peters. Said that King’s will had to be read, and all that, and it’ll happen on the 4th. Surprised it hadn’t happened sooner, but reasonable, given the seizure of much of King’s papers from his office. It had probably been in there.

Thanked him, then went back to cleaning. Threw out so many papers, but most of it was old and worthless, but have a pile of stuff to go through. Found a framed picture of my whole family from 1872, that I had taken down years ago, and decided to put back up. So old, I was… fourteen, then.

Time flies.

Had quiche for dinner. Uneventful day. Sort of hoping it stays that way.

August 31, 1915

...Didn’t think so.

Wanda called again today, said that she had decided to have the baby shower before it was too late, and that she was planning on the 4th, it being a Saturday and all. Was pleased to be able to tell her that I was busy then, so she’ll have to plan it for later. She didn’t like that, doesn’t want it too close to my birthday, but nothing she can do. I’m genuinely busy.

Worked on scarf again, went a little faster this time. Having more time to work on it making me better? Probably. Will likely finish far before Christmas. Hard to think about that.

It hit me today, really, that I was raising a baby. Don’t know why it took so long. I’m going to raise him until he’s grown, teach him everything, potty-train, right from wrong… Not like how he was before, already knowing all that. He’s really mine, completely. Have to make sure he knows everything, knows enough to survive in the world. Big responsibility.

Have to do it all alone, too.

September 1, 1915

Connor came over. Took Selim for the day.

It’s been a whole month.

September 2, 1915

Felt better today, and took Selim to the doctor’s. He’s healthy now, completely fine, so won’t have to have anymore check-ups aside from normal. Thank goodness, they were getting annoying. Couldn’t even be bothered to write them down.

Went out shopping in celebration, and bought a few candles for the house. Will be nice to have, especially at night. House seems too quiet and empty, so hopefully will brighten it up a bit.

Saw guard when out and about. Same person, still looking stiff, so assumed it was him. Ended up walking his way unintentionally at one point, and greeted him, pretending I didn’t know who he was. Think I got away with it, unsure.

Adelaide called, wants to go to the new cinema tomorrow. Never been to one before, and was worried about Selim, but Connor will take him again. I think he’s becoming very attached.

Said yes, of course, will be an interesting experience.

September 3, 1915

Was right, of course, very interesting. Amazing how they can capture real life like that! True, no sound but for music, and it doesn’t have colors, but it’s very awe-inspiring. Regretting not having gone before, but not as if they’ve been around for a long time. Two decades at the most.

Selim apparently had a good time with Connor, who brought him to the park, but he was very happy to see me. Wanted to ask brother if he had seen any stern-looking men while out and about, but figured it would be weird to ask. Wonder if there’s a person following me, too, or just Selim. Maybe should ask? Maybe?
Wanda called. Again. I don’t really not like anyone, but even though she’s my niece-in-law, that woman tends to get on my nerves too frequently. But she wants to arrange the baby shower for September 11. Told her to go for it. Still, better to get it over with.

Still not looking forward to it.

September 4, 1915

Went to the reading of King’s will today. More people there than I expected, but not too many. No family but Selim and me, of course. He didn’t have any. Most of the people there were from the military, easy to tell just from the way they stand. Only a few were in uniform, though.

With all of those people there, expected a few trinkets to be given away, but no, everything was given to me. And if I die, everything goes to Selim. Don’t want to think about that possibility. Wonder too much what the government would do if that happened.

A lot of people were disappointed, of course, but I wonder what they thought they would get. King never really had any friends in the military, at least ones important enough to tell me about. He never really had any friends aside from me.

Then again, once we met, I really didn’t have many, either. Have a large family to make up for that, though.

It was nice to have it official that I had everything, thought was surprised to see how many cens we had in the bank. Glad I don’t have to work.

September 5, 1915

One of the boys that work underneath Colonel Mustang, though I think he’s a Brigadier General, came by today. He had pictures from King’s office, one of me and him not long after we got married, and another of him, me and Selim, not long before Promised Day. Such a sweet boy, he was, telling me that everything else was confiscated by the military, and he didn’t know if I’d get them back. I think it was implied that he snuck them away. Such a sweet boy.

Declined staying for tea, though. Sad, seemed like he’d be nice to talk to. Perhaps another time. Put both pictures in places of honor, as King’s pictures, and had melon. Seemed appropriate.

Decided I need something more to do with my life. So far, since then, my life has been moving on, taking care of Selim, and mourning. Need to get a job, hobby, something.

Sounds like a plan.